The Jersey Ten Commandments

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By: Tim Van Duyne

Since baseball season is back and all is well in the world, fans are starting to dust off their jerseys. Well before you throw that thing on, check the Jersey Ten Commandments and make sure you’re not sinning.

1. Thou shall not wear any kind of jersey after the age of 35.

At this point in your life you’re either a grown-ass man or a grown-ass woman, you don’t need to be rocking a jersey. If you go to a game, wear a team polo and a hat.

2. Thou shall not wear a jersey of a player that has been traded away or that has retired.

If your favorite player gets traded away, it’s time to hang up the jersey. You don’t want to be that person that is still rocking a Mike Fontenot jersey to the Cubs game. There is an exception to this rule: if a player retires and gets elected into the Hall of Fame, you can bust that Brian Urlacher jersey out of retirement.

3. No customized jerseys allowed

Everyone loves to get their own name on the back of their favorite team’s jersey. It gives people the sense that they are part of the team. The problem with this, is those same people with their custom jerseys are using the word “We” when referring to their favorite team. News flash, you are not apart of the team. You didn’t hit that walk-off home run or make that game-winning shot. Stop. Saying. We. Also, no jerseys with the number 69 or .08 on the back. You’re not being funny; you’re just being dumb.

4. No combined jerseys

Combined jerseys are two different jerseys that someone stitched together (usually the mother of two players will do this). It never looks good and should never be done. You’re just ruining two good jerseys.

5. Thou shall not wear a jersey of a player that’s younger than you.

You can root for a guy that’s younger than you, nothing wrong with that, but you can’t wear his or her jersey. Why? Because grown ups wearing a 19-year-old’s jersey is just weird. It doesn’t look good for you, the older person, to be rocking a youngster’s jersey.

6. No Shirseys

Absolutely no jersey shirts! These are meant for kids. If you are wearing a shirsey in college, you’re doing it wrong. Go out and pay for the actual jersey or buy a hat to represent your team.

7. College and high school jerseys are accepted

If you want to rock a Steph Curry Davidson jersey I’m cool with that. I know a lot of people like representing a players early days. There is an exception, if that player is no longer playing anymore, you have to hang up the jersey. So my Dee Brown Illini jersey will forever be in the rafters from here on out.

8. Basketball jerseys only if you can make it look good. Absolutely no sleeves!

I hate, hate, hate it when people wear sleeves with a basketball jersey. I’m talking to you Doug McDermott. The sleeves under a tank top just looks silly. Basketball jerseys weren’t meant for sleeves. Also, if you can’t rock a basketball jersey by itself, then don’t wear one.

9. Special Championship jerseys only if the team won that championship

I understand a jersey with the championship patch is much more official than a regular jersey. If you buy that jersey during the championship and your favorite team doesn’t win, you should try to return that jersey. What fan wants to remember a championship loss? I know I don’t want to remember the 2006 Super Bowl or the 2005 NCAA men’s basketball National Championship game.

10. Walmart/Target cheap knock offs should all be burned.

Seriously, every single one of these horrible knock-off jerseys should be gathered up and thrown in a large pit filled with gasoline followed by a match. These jerseys are the worst looking thing and bear no resemblance to what the professionals are wearing. You should be embarrassed if you wear one.

I understand most of you reading this will disagree with me on at least one of these rules. That’s fine. I would love to hear your thoughts.

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