By: Tim Van Duyne
Can you believe it? Timmy Tebow was halfway out of the door. He was about to move to Canada and annoy the shit out of the Canadians after his stint in New York ended. But, of course, the football genius, Bill Belichick, and the Patriots had to come calling to get their hands on the polarizing quarterback. This time though I think Tebow landed on a team that can utilize his athletic 6’3 frame. So what does it mean now that Tebow is sticking around, hanging on by a thread, in the NFL?
1. Tebowmania will continue with the football idiots. ESPN will devote pointless coverage to a third-string quarterback. Because really, when does ESPN ever talk about a third-string quarterback (besides Timmy Tebow)? They don’t! Most of you reading this can’t even name the third-string quarterback on your favorite team. You shouldn’t know that kind of stuff. Who gives a shit. All they do is hold a clipboard and grab the screen shots after the starter just threw a bone-headed pick. But ESPN will troll out Sal Paolentonio to Fox Borough to give us daily updates on how many cups of water Tebow got for Tom Brady. We’ll get shots of Tebow working his ass off running in the rain with his shirt off. So get your trash can ready for when you feel the urge to throw up when watching one of ESPN’s 37 daily editions of SportsCenter.
2. Lets be real, Tebow is coming to New England to “play” the role of number three quarterback. If you are sitting at home reading this and you think Tim Tebow is going to be challenging the great Tom Brady for the starting gig, then I can’t help you. You deserve to have your T.V. blown up. Quit watching football, because that is football stupid.
3. Tom Brady upon hearing the news of the Tebow signing, lying down in his mansion with his super-model wife, rolled his eyes knowing the media frenzy that will inevitably follow. Brady’s daily life just got a little bit more annoying. The reason Brady’s job just got more annoying is because Tim Tebow is annoying! He is going to outwork Tom Brady and then he will thank god after doing it. Everyone who played high-school football knows this guy. The guy that isn’t quite talented enough to play on Friday nights, but always is up the coach’s ass, telling him whatever he wants to hear. During two-a-days in 90 degree, miserable, weather, that guy is always trying to be first in wind sprints making everyone else look bad. Then one coach will say, “Look how hard Johnny No-Name is working. That’s a kid that wants to win. Back on the line!” I just hate that guy. Tim Tebow is that guy, a try-hard. ESPN is already trying to start a quarterback controversy. Not even four hours after the news broke ESPN found some bullshit stat where Tebow looks better than Brady.
So, yea, Brady be prepared for ESPN to push this phony narrative, because they can’t help it.
4. Tim Tebow has always said he is a quarterback and won’t play any other position (even if it would most likely keep him in the league longer if he switched positions.) But I think Belichick is the only coach that can convince Tebow to switch positions. Belichick has always been able to bring in no names and find a spot for them. Not only find a spot for them, but get every last ounce of talent out of them. He did it with Troy Brown, Corey Dillon and Deion Branch to name a few. So I could see Tebow getting some reps in the Pats redzone offense, not as a QB, but as a fullback or tight-end. He is a big, physical guy at 6’3″, and he is faster than most fullbacks and tight-ends. Belichick is a genius when it comes to exploiting mismatches, and a guy like Tebow could add to the hoodie’s bag of tricks.
5. Finally, and most painfully, Skip Freaking Bayless. Skippy creamed himself when hearing the news, because he can continue to spew out nonsense about how Tebow is a great quarterback. By the way, if you watch that stupid show First Take and take anything that moron says seriously, then you too are a moron. Bayless is a complete act. I really wonder if he actually means what he says, but since he has been such a contrarian just to “embrace debate” for so long, I have to believe he is that stupid. Anyways, Bayless will be all over ESPN this football season, which is exactly why ESPN sucks.
These are just predictions folks, but, if history repeats itself, most will inevitably come to fruition. And we can all collectively throw up. WAY TO GO BILL!
Follow me on Twitter: @Tim_VanDuyne